BDSM - Bondage & Discipline, Dominance & Submission, Sadism and Masochism

Bondage: “The wonderful Art of Rope” This term usually refers to the tying up or restraining of the submissive partner (sub) by the dominant partner (dom). The exchange of power in this can be very exciting and sexually arousing to the participants. Many subs that enjoy this kink actually find the feeling of being tied up very liberating and relaxing. It allows them to fully let go and enjoy themselves. Especially in Shibari or Kinbaku – the Japanese “art of tight binding” – the intense tying often leads to a trance like state, in which the restrained person can just blissfully “float” and let go. In bondage, it’s most important to make sure that the dominant partner actually knows what he or she is doing, especially in extensive bindings. Wrongly placed knots or too tight bindings can cause damaged arteries or restricted blood flow. Of course, this also applies to mental bondage within erotic hypnosis.

Discipline: Behavioral Rules and Rituals  This point focusses mainly on rules of expected behavior that the dominant partner lays out for the submissive partner, to shape his or her behavior to the doms wishes. Set rules can give some people stability and orientation. In BDSM play, set rules and certain guidelines are an important part that in itself can already become a very exciting and arousing factor, especially for the submissive person, that is expected to follow them. Knowing that you are expected to behave a certain way, follow certain rules and not to be allowed to do something (like masturbating, for example) can become very sexually arousing. It’s not just about the temporary satisfaction for ones self anymore, but instead becomes a permanent level of arousal, that can only be reached through discipline and the following of the rules the dominant part has set out.

Dominance: Who takes on the leadership? In a D/s relationship, the dominant part takes on the control, either as a male Dom or Master or as a female Domme or Mistress. The submissive partner submits himself to the Dom/me and gives his partner the complete power over his sexuality. This happens with a previous mutual agreement and consent of both sides. Most times, the “slave” picks his own master or mistress and not the other way around. The dominant part can appear selfish, but should never be fully focussed on only themselves. A Mistress or Master has responsibility for the wellbeing of his sub and his or her proper training and discipline. The dominant part also has to make sure there’s a safe and stable setting in which the submissive part can perform his or her duties, serving the dominant partner. Dominance can stand on its own, without SM. It can show itself calm and “quietly” and does not always have to end in spanking. Sometimes a sub just enjoys kneeling in front of his dominant or mistress to pleasure them. Important is, that in BDSM dominance has nothing to do with violence. Serious doms would never want to cause actual, violent pain to their subs. Pain from punishment (like spanking, for example) is always received voluntary and with consent and has absolutely nothing to do with real, malicious and pointless violence. The dominant partner decides over the submissive partner. How far this goes depends on the specific type of their relationship. In an EPE (Erotic Power Exchange) relationship model, the dom holds power over the subs sexuality. In a TPE (Total Power Exchange) relationship, the dom has complete power over the sub in general, even in not sexual matters. Of course D/s can also be performed temporarily, for the duration of a SM session, with both partners resuming their regular relationship on eye level afterward. A popular D/s relationship is a FLR or Female Led Relationship. Here, the dominant part is the woman or wife. The relationship still happens on eye level to a small degree, as the man or husband is not seen as her slave. However, the woman holds power, decides direction and has control over the sexuality of the man.

Submission: Who follows?  In BDSM, the submissive partner decides to submit themselves to his or her Mistress or Master. It’s their own decision to continue this way. All (or most) following decisions (for the duration of the mutual agreed to relationship) are then made by their Dom or Domme. The submissive part enjoys to fully let go and drop into the hands and power of the Dom or Domme. The feeling to be lead and controlled is liberating and creates intensive feelings of happiness and pleasure. It creates a feeling of security and stability. Some also enjoy to be protected by their dominant partner. Many women in the BDSM realm decide to become an “O” – A way of life, based on the novel “Story of O” by Dominique Aury in which a woman undergoes intensive training at a French castle to become a sex slave. Most times you can recognize a submissive woman and “O” by her prominent leather “O-ring” collar or a ring. This O-ring is also commonly worn as identification mark in the BDSM scene in general. Here, the side on which is worn is important: Left hand means dominant, right hand means submissive. Why? This way the Dom or Domme doesn’t hurt the sub, when slapping them, for example.

Masochism: Pain for Pleasure Masochists derive pleasure through the experience of pain (or humiliation). As always, there are different types and degrees of masochism. In BDSM, receiving pain is very sexually thrilling to a masochist. No matter if it’s spanking, electrical shocks, flogging, whipping, or just a spicy slap in the face – masochisms love the sweet, wonderful  pain and find sexual pleasure through it. The masochistic person submits voluntarily to their dominant partner or mistress and, aside from being into the pain itself, also enjoys that the Dom or Domme enjoys “tormenting” them. Masochists often describe their feelings as “floating” – They are floating on the pleasurable pain and enjoy every slap they receive from their dominant partner. In BDSM, sadism and masochism has nothing to do with violence against women or men. On the contrary, many dominant partners in BDSM relationships despise domestic violence and spousal abuse. No matter which gender, the masochistic submissive partner enjoys being slapped or struck by his or her dominant partner. The sub is willingly receiving this treatment and finds it thrilling and sexually arousing. A serious dominant partner has the utmost respect of his sub and would never abuse his or her position or want his sub to experience actual, negative and harmful pain. Unfortunately, as in sadism, there is a pathological form of masochism. This is happening when the pain (physical or mental) is purely destructive. This means that it does not have any sexual part to it anymore and focusses on a self harm and self defeating behavior. The gray area to this can sometimes be very slim and difficult to recognize.  We suggest anyone that is unsure or that uses pain as a “cry for help” to seek professional support.